First Steps: Learning Assertiveness

In this article you will find five simple, effective strategies that assertive people often use to defuse social tension, promote interpersonal harmonious relationships and get their views, wants, needs and desires heard. The following five assertiveness skills are an excellent place to start practising being more assertive. In time, once these skills become integrated and automatic, you will find that they will become a natural part of your emerging, confident self.

Five Simple Skills to get started

In his seminal book on the subject, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” , Manuel J. Smith describes some basic, practical techniques that can be used to develop and enhance your communication and interactions with others. These five techniques are a good place to start when developing your assertiveness. They are especially helpful for those who are just starting to try and change their habitual, passive behavioural patterns.

Skill 1: Fogging – “No need to argue, just acknowledge the truth”

When someone is extremely angry or aggressive towards you then 'Fogging' is a great way to defuse the situation calmly and effectively – avoiding heated angry conflicts and fights. Essentially, it involves agreeing with and validating the perspective of someone verbally attacking you – confusing and defusing any conflict because people don't usually expect to be agreed with when they are combative. Simple Example: Bullies in the workplace. Example 1: Fogging (Aggressive)Colleague: (in a raised voice) “how DARE you take my lunch? That's stealing!” (Fogging)You: (Calmly and sensitively) “I did not take your lunch. I can see you're upset about your missing lunch. I would also be upset if it happened to me” Example 2: Fogging (Bullying)Colleague: (derisive) “You are so bad at your job; I don't even know why you bother to come to work” (Fogging)You: (Calmly) “I agree with you. Right now I have a lot to learn, but every day I'm here I learn something new” In example 1 you acknowledge the truth that the food is gone, you did not take it and that your colleague is upset. You validate your colleague's feelings as being understandable given the situation, and you correct the things that are false in a calm manner. This is classic fogging. In example 2, you agree with your colleague's snide remark because it is partly true. You acknowledge the truth of your current competence and express a genuine desire to get better at your work. Fogging is about agreeing (in part or wholly) with an aggressor or bully in order to defuse conflict before it starts or escalates.

Skill 2: Broken/Stuck record

The “broken record” technique is used when you want something from someone that is patently trying to ignore you or brush away your concerns. Simple Example: Requesting a better room in a hotel Example 3: Broken Record You: “I am not happy with my room. Please could you arrange for me to have another one that is more suitable?” Front Desk: (Dismissive) “That is the room you asked for…” You: “I am not happy with it; I would like to get another please” Front Desk: (irritated) “That room is fine, no one has ever complained about it” You: “I don't like it; I would like to get another please” Front Desk: (Resigned but cooperative) “Alright, what seems to be the problem perhaps we can find a solution for you.” You: “Thank you, I would like…” The stuck record technique is all about keeping your wishes clear and firmly in mind; not allowing the conversation to get side-tracked by other concerns and insisting that your needs are acknowledged and dealt with. This skill is based on a firm belief in your own value and worth. You affirm that your interests and needs are worthy of consideration whilst not being arrogant, emotional or overbearing in your manner.

Skill 3: Expressing your feelings with simple statements.

Being able to clearly and naturally express your opinions and feelings to others is another great hallmark of assertive people. A simple way to do this is to use what has sometimes been called “I-statements” For example “I am unhappy with you”, or, “It feels like you don't care about my feelings”. The key here is to say “I” and then follow that up with a simple phrase that clearly expresses your thoughts or feelings on a matter. Saying “I” like this means you take ownership of your feelings and thoughts and share them clearly. The more you do this the more comfortable you will become with clearly sharing your wants, needs, ideas and feelings with others and, the more likely you will get your needs met. Once again, just like in the previous skill, this skill is founded on an understanding of your intrinsic worth as a person. You have the right to meet your own needs and have your opinions heard.

Skill 4: How to respond to criticism - Negative Enquiry

“Negative Enquiry” is simply asking for further clarification from someone when they offer criticism, whether it's constructive or vague. Many people feel personally attacked when faced with criticism, even constructive criticism. When you are unfortunate enough to receive criticism from others then it is very helpful to try to ask more about it – perhaps what they have to say is valid and you can learn from it, perhaps not.

Example 4: Negative Enquiry

(Person) “Your new song is terrible, what were you thinking?” (You) “Really, you think so? I'm sorry you don't like it. What about it do you dislike?” This technique turns any criticism into something more valuable – A chance to let others share their knowledge and experience with you. This skill also protects you from crumbling and losing self-esteem at every critical remark thrown your way.

Skill 5: Acknowledging your mistakes – “Negative Assertion”

When confronted with a situation where you have made an error, or genuinely let someone else down, an assertive person openly acknowledges that they made a mistake and attempts to pro-actively remedy the situation if possible. The important thing here is to recognise that mistakes do not define who you are. Mistakes are instead momentary. Taking responsibility for our negative behaviours in a calm, optimistic, balanced and pro-active way is what “Negative Assertion” is. It is the agreement or assertion of something negative that one has done. The problem is not 'you', it's the 'behaviour'. Paradoxically, taking ownership of your negatives develops self-confidence and helps others see that you are concerned and attentive to your roles and responsibilities. Working pro-actively on solutions with others can also ultimately build honest, strong and more cohesive relationships.

Example 5: Negative Assertion

(Person) “You weren't at our meeting! I had to do everything on my own!” (You) “Oh no! I totally forgot, I'm so sorry, that was unacceptable of me. I can be so forgetful at times. What can I do to help going forward? ” In the above example, acknowledging your forgetfulness and your error in missing an important meeting helps your colleague to see that you really care about them - it shows that you know what happened was wrong. Your assertion paves the way to a more functional, honest and cohesive relationship in the future. The above five skills are powerful, simple and effective. With some courage and a lot of practice you may find them to be extremely helpful in your personal journey towards a more assertive you.